Today's post is a very personal one for me. I have debated whether or not to even publish it. I think I always knew I would, but it was easier to write when I convinced myself that I may be the only one who ever reads it. I am hoping that by sharing this side of me, others who have gone through this will see a part of their own story. And for those of you who haven't, maybe it will give you a bit of a glimpse of what it feels like to miscarry.
Today is my- should have been - my due date. It is here and I have nothing to show for it but a broken heart. I am so grateful for the two amazing children that I have, but that doesn't diminish the loss I feel for the baby I don't have. Right now I should be in a hospital bed cooing over little fingers and toes. I should be picking baby names and wondering how I am going to fit three car seats in our small car. I should be exhausted over sleepless nights and balancing children. I should be sending out birth announcements and picking a blessing outfit. I should be looking forward to first steps and first words.
Instead I find myself dwelling on what will not happen. I guess I should just get over it. But I can't. I don't know if I ever will. I think something like this stays with you forever. I hope so. I never want to forget the little one that I lost.
I often find myself pondering why. Why did this baby not make it? Was there something wrong with how it formed? If I get pregnant again will it be the same spirit or another one? Was that the only chance that spirit gets to come to Earth? Was the spirit already present at 14 weeks? Was it something I did? I did have two incidents RIGHT before. I have been assured that it was nothing that I did/didn't do that caused this. But I am not convinced.
I know so many women who have gone through this and I am so sorry for every one of them. Every time I hear that someone has lost a pregnancy my heart just breaks for them. I can't help but cry. It has been six months and sometimes it is still so raw. I am still jealous when I hear that another woman is pregnant. It doesn't hurt like it used to. But it does still hurt. At least now I am to the point where I can be genuinely happy for them, rather than just pretend like I am.
For me, this has been and overwhelming and emotional experience. I always thought that if I had a miscarriage that I would be logical about it. That miscarriages happen because the body is simply getting rid of an non-viable fetus. How stupid I was. How naive. I didn't take into account how torn apart it would make me feel. How empty. How lonely. As I have struggled these last few months with trying to get back to normal, I have realized that I will never be 'normal' again. I have had to find a new 'normal'. In many ways that is a good thing. I am more compassionate and understanding. More grateful of the two little guys I have been blessed with. More aware of how lucky I am, and what is really important to me. More appreciative of my husband's arm around me and his kind words.
As I sit here and type this, there are tears in my eyes for what I have lost, and for what I have gained. Hopefully, someday, I will have another child, but even if I don't, I have already been blessed so much. It seems so selfish to ask for anything more.
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For me, the non-due date was the hardest day of all...because of exactly what you said---you are thinking of everything that would be...should be, if everything had worked out. I don't think the hurt ever goes away...at least, I still hurt and it's been almost 2 years. You are right, you have to find a new "normal" which is so much easier said than done. I also always thought I would be logical about a miscarriage, I didn't understand at all the intense emotions associated with it. I don't know how to say that it will get better, because, it doesn't really get "better" but you learn to be happy and adjust inspite of what you are missing...if that makes any sense. Call me if you need anything. I love you.
ReplyDelete:(
ReplyDeletethanks for writing about it, you are really a brave and strong girl
I do admire you for finding some good in all the sadness. That is an important trait to have in life
ReplyDeleteHopefully the trend will continue and everyday will get better and better. Of course you will never forget. But you will see your child again. I am sure of it.
We send our love to you. :)
I'm so sorry. You made me more aware of all feelings involved.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard miscarriages are. I remember just wanting to know why each one didn't work out. It drove me crazy. I tried to research every possible problem. Due dates for me were more of "wow, I could have had a 2 year old by now or whatever the age may be." Hang in there. I know it's frustrating.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog. I looked at the titles of your blogs and thought-hmm which one do I click first and I believe with all my heart that the Lord had me look at this one first.
ReplyDeleteI have walked in your shoes, not once but twice. I know the heart break and I will tell you that I still have a hole in my heart for each baby. Those holes will always be there. the raw edges aren't as raw as they used to be but I hold each of those babies in a very special and dear place in my heart.
My first miscarriage was our first pregnancy so I didn't have little ones to keep me busy. It seemed like every commercial was a kid or baby commercial. My due date was hard but so was the month of May-the month I miscarried plus it was the month Mother's Day took place. I tried to put on a happy face and celebrate my Mom was the pain was so great. There is no experience in life like loosing a baby. We experience death but not a death inside our own bodies. It took us years to have our first live birth baby. We were married almost 8 years. We were then blessed with another one a year and 10 days after our first little guy made his appearance. Once again we went through years of not being able to have another one. We had both come to a point of contentment and felt like that was the family God had for us-so I got rid of everything and then got pregnant again and lost that baby. This time I got pregnant right away. We were surprised with one final pregnancy. I feel blessed to have 4 healthy kiddos here on earth and 2 that the Lord takes care of for me. I know He does a better job than I could ever do but my arms still ached for a long time to hold those 2 babies. When I get to heaven, some day and can finally meet them, the first thing I will tell them is how much I have always loved them.
If you need someone to share you thoughts with, I am here. I know what it feels like. It is hard to talk to someone who has never gone through it because they just don't GET why your are going through all these grieving stages.
Cheri
I remember those feelings and I remember fearing getting pregnant again. I was blessed with a little girl and she has helped heal that pain. I choose to believe that she just wasn't ready yet.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you will be able to find a way to heal and I hope that you will have fingers and toes to count again soon.
Wow Erin i'm sorry i had no idea, i'm here to talk but i can't even imagine what your going through, because its beyond me, can't wait to see you i love you
ReplyDeleteBex
There's no shame in feeling sad. And it's great to share that with your friends. Maybe someone will go through the same thing someday & they'll know it's normal to feel sad, to mourn. You mourn the loss of others in your life, so why not a baby that was growing inside you? Anyway, thanks for sharing part of yourself.
ReplyDeleteGlad you cam back by my blog. I look forward to getting to know you better. Did you want your name in for the free drawing as well (that post is the following post)?
ReplyDeleteCheri
Thanks for sharing. I think it's good to get those feelings out rather than to keep them bottled up inside. (for me, they eventually come out in an explosion later anyway).
ReplyDeleteI haven't had quite the same experience as you, and even if I had, I still wouldn't know how you feel. Everyone is different. After we lost our Caleb, every Wednesday was hard for me, then just the day of the month. Slowly over time, the really hard days have been fewer. Holidays are still hard. But somehow we make it through, and we're stronger for it.
Focus on the good, but don't worry if there are just days that you don't feel happy. That's normal. Ecclesiastes 3 states "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die...A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." This scripture helped me remember that's it's okay to have hard days and to just be sad and even WANT to be sad for a little while. There's a time for everything.
Sorry if I sound like I'm preaching. Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to.
What a beautiful post. You have a strong voice. And an internal strenght to write about something so personal with such honesty and clarity. Sometimes it is hard to express how we are feeling.
ReplyDeleteAll my love.
What a beautiful post. You have a strong voice. And an internal strenght to write about something so personal with such honesty and clarity. Sometimes it is hard to express how we are feeling.
ReplyDeleteAll my love.